rugerron
Well-Known Fanatic
Groaners
Why was the blanket arrested?
Because it looked "quilty."
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we call him Dav.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
How do you tickle an Octopus?
You give them ten-tickles!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because he was mugged.
I hope the stress doesn't get to him, that might be grounds for divorce.
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park
and one of them was a salted.
My first job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.
What do you call a bean that's not cool anymore?
A has bean.
I just spent $500 on a limousine only to discover the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
A Pregnant Woman
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry … I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
Beer and airplanes
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So, a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450, and in one year it would be around $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty
years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring in compound interest
for the past twenty years, you could have bought an airplane.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your airplane?
Why was the blanket arrested?
Because it looked "quilty."
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we call him Dav.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
How do you tickle an Octopus?
You give them ten-tickles!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because he was mugged.
I hope the stress doesn't get to him, that might be grounds for divorce.
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park
and one of them was a salted.
My first job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.
What do you call a bean that's not cool anymore?
A has bean.
I just spent $500 on a limousine only to discover the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
A Pregnant Woman
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry … I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
Beer and airplanes
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So, a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450, and in one year it would be around $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty
years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring in compound interest
for the past twenty years, you could have bought an airplane.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your airplane?