Well-Known Fanatic
Feb 20, 2019
Western Oregon
Why was the blanket arrested?
Because it looked "quilty."

My friend David lost his ID.
Now we call him Dav.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

How do you tickle an Octopus?
You give them ten-tickles!

Why did the coffee call the police? Because he was mugged.
I hope the stress doesn't get to him, that might be grounds for divorce.

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park
and one of them was a salted.

My first job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn’t concentrate.

What do you call a bean that's not cool anymore?
A has bean.

I just spent $500 on a limousine only to discover the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

A Pregnant Woman
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry … I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

Beer and airplanes
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So, a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450, and in one year it would be around $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty
years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring in compound interest
for the past twenty years, you could have bought an airplane.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your airplane?


Well-Known Fanatic
Jun 9, 2018
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"


Well-Known Fanatic
Dec 23, 2018
Northern Illinois
Two brothers, aged 7 and 4, were in their room getting dressed before breakfast.

"I say it's time started swearing like Dad" said the 7 year old. "So, when we go down to breakfast, I'll use the word 'damn' and you use the word 'ass'."

"OK" said the 4 year old.

When the boys get to the kitchen they hop up on to their chairs at the table.

"What do you want for breakfast, boys ?" asked their Mother.

"Let me have some damn Cheerios" said the 7 year old.

One second later the Mother took her wooden spoon and laid it across his behind with a loud "Crack!" Screaming at the top of his lungs the 7 year old ran upstairs.

"And what will YOU have for breakfast?" said the Mother turning to the 4 year old.

"Well, I'm not sure", he said, "But you can bet your ass it isn't going to be Cheerios."


Well-Known Fanatic
Mar 30, 2018
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done


Well-Known Fanatic
Mar 30, 2018
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

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