joepistol
Well-Known Fanatic
I found this on another forum, thought it was too funny NOT to share :
Do you suffer from ITFS (itchy trigger finger syndrome)? Are you tormented by the lack of recoil in your life? There is hope. Ask your doctor if this rifle is right for you, as it may not be for everyone. Side effects may include higher testosterone levels, more chest hair, grilling raw meat on a wood fire, patriotism, lots of woman trying to crawl into your bedroom window, being promoted at work, freedom, pouring whiskey on your cereal, and witty James Bond one liners. You will, for the first time, begin to understand the Constitution of the United States and feel the hand of the founding fathers rest on your battle scarred shoulder in approval as the recoil from a .308 caliber hunk of lead greatness beats the wimp out of you.
This rifle solves problems that you didn't even know you had. Did your Saturday just get taken away by that miserable baby shower? Not on my watch. Now you're going hunting. What are you hunting you say? You're killing off that woose side of you that didn't say no to a baby shower. It's time to get your balls back. It's time for the sweet song of .308 recoil therapy to play you a symphony of precision destruction.
What's that you say? Why do you need all that firepower? Look here snowflake, if that's your attitude, you'd be best to just keep scrolling; you'll find the skinny jeans that you're looking for on another website, next to the pretty pink coffee mugs that your wife likes on Pinterest. This marvel of American innovation eats terrorists for breakfast. Is this rifle made of light weight recycled plastic? No, it's a heavy contour 26 inch barrel, because you need to weed out the weaker pansies on your hunting trips that whine about the "cold weather" or complain about the "land mines". This rifle understands you, and as you take command of the aluminum forged bolt, you become more and more aligned with the patriots of old, the Marines of Tunn tavern, and Chesty Puller himself smiles down on you from heaven's gates of pearl and concertina wire. You will piss napalm. You won't need to take protein shakes anymore because your muscles are already exploding from your new all-bacon diet cooked from the 800 lb. wild boar that you just killed.
This black beauty has a textured surface on the grip to ensure that you get a firm grasp with your blood soaked fingers. The Harris engineering bi pod will hold your death machine securely on atop your red white and blue zodiac vessel during night time amphibious assaults. Are you really just going to sit there and let your 2nd amendment get wasted on buying some piece of junk .22? How sad. Carlos Hathcock would be rolling in his grave. But you won't be one of those "men". You'll be the personified hammer of Thor, bringing the pain train to all the enemies of our amber waves of grain. Heck, don't just do it for your country, do it for all the sad lesser men who are trapped right now, as I speak, at some tea brunch with their mother in law.
Do it for all of our fellow brothers who are trapped in the "friend zone." Do it for your future generations of children, so they can tell their own children how they're dad didn't rob them of the sweet smell of gunpowder in the morning. If you feel like you just don't have the testicular fortitude to take charge of this masterpiece of modern engineering, then hey, I get it. I understand. You're probably right. Wouldn't want to interfere with your Yoga routine, now would we. Your vegan hippy friends will be happy that you settled. And if your tiny brain was somehow thinking about outfitting this death merchant with some kind of obnoxious pearl grip pads or some weird decorative Indian feathers, pump the breaks there Pocahontas; show some respect. I already told you to move along!
If you feel like you are interested in it, but aren't a serious buyer because you want to "sleep on it", then do me a favor and wait until your balls drop before you send me your pre-pubescent pleas to lower the price. The price is as firm as my… well it's really firm, let's just say that. You won't pay any extra taxes or fees on this rifle because I am not a communist. Shipping is free for my fellow marines. If you don't think that's fair then go write a letter to Nancy Pelosi. If you require shipping then I will insure that this boom stick is mailed to an FFL near to your house. If you do not have a gun store near your house, then you are likely from socialist California and I cannot help you. I reside in Kennesaw, GA where the law requires that every male head of the household own a firearm.
(Bald Eagle screeches in background.)
Oorah. Yut. Echo 5 Romeo over and out.
Do you suffer from ITFS (itchy trigger finger syndrome)? Are you tormented by the lack of recoil in your life? There is hope. Ask your doctor if this rifle is right for you, as it may not be for everyone. Side effects may include higher testosterone levels, more chest hair, grilling raw meat on a wood fire, patriotism, lots of woman trying to crawl into your bedroom window, being promoted at work, freedom, pouring whiskey on your cereal, and witty James Bond one liners. You will, for the first time, begin to understand the Constitution of the United States and feel the hand of the founding fathers rest on your battle scarred shoulder in approval as the recoil from a .308 caliber hunk of lead greatness beats the wimp out of you.
This rifle solves problems that you didn't even know you had. Did your Saturday just get taken away by that miserable baby shower? Not on my watch. Now you're going hunting. What are you hunting you say? You're killing off that woose side of you that didn't say no to a baby shower. It's time to get your balls back. It's time for the sweet song of .308 recoil therapy to play you a symphony of precision destruction.
What's that you say? Why do you need all that firepower? Look here snowflake, if that's your attitude, you'd be best to just keep scrolling; you'll find the skinny jeans that you're looking for on another website, next to the pretty pink coffee mugs that your wife likes on Pinterest. This marvel of American innovation eats terrorists for breakfast. Is this rifle made of light weight recycled plastic? No, it's a heavy contour 26 inch barrel, because you need to weed out the weaker pansies on your hunting trips that whine about the "cold weather" or complain about the "land mines". This rifle understands you, and as you take command of the aluminum forged bolt, you become more and more aligned with the patriots of old, the Marines of Tunn tavern, and Chesty Puller himself smiles down on you from heaven's gates of pearl and concertina wire. You will piss napalm. You won't need to take protein shakes anymore because your muscles are already exploding from your new all-bacon diet cooked from the 800 lb. wild boar that you just killed.
This black beauty has a textured surface on the grip to ensure that you get a firm grasp with your blood soaked fingers. The Harris engineering bi pod will hold your death machine securely on atop your red white and blue zodiac vessel during night time amphibious assaults. Are you really just going to sit there and let your 2nd amendment get wasted on buying some piece of junk .22? How sad. Carlos Hathcock would be rolling in his grave. But you won't be one of those "men". You'll be the personified hammer of Thor, bringing the pain train to all the enemies of our amber waves of grain. Heck, don't just do it for your country, do it for all the sad lesser men who are trapped right now, as I speak, at some tea brunch with their mother in law.
Do it for all of our fellow brothers who are trapped in the "friend zone." Do it for your future generations of children, so they can tell their own children how they're dad didn't rob them of the sweet smell of gunpowder in the morning. If you feel like you just don't have the testicular fortitude to take charge of this masterpiece of modern engineering, then hey, I get it. I understand. You're probably right. Wouldn't want to interfere with your Yoga routine, now would we. Your vegan hippy friends will be happy that you settled. And if your tiny brain was somehow thinking about outfitting this death merchant with some kind of obnoxious pearl grip pads or some weird decorative Indian feathers, pump the breaks there Pocahontas; show some respect. I already told you to move along!
If you feel like you are interested in it, but aren't a serious buyer because you want to "sleep on it", then do me a favor and wait until your balls drop before you send me your pre-pubescent pleas to lower the price. The price is as firm as my… well it's really firm, let's just say that. You won't pay any extra taxes or fees on this rifle because I am not a communist. Shipping is free for my fellow marines. If you don't think that's fair then go write a letter to Nancy Pelosi. If you require shipping then I will insure that this boom stick is mailed to an FFL near to your house. If you do not have a gun store near your house, then you are likely from socialist California and I cannot help you. I reside in Kennesaw, GA where the law requires that every male head of the household own a firearm.
(Bald Eagle screeches in background.)
Oorah. Yut. Echo 5 Romeo over and out.
