H.P. Hatecraft
Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"
Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"
Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."
Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."
Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."
Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."
Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."
Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."
Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "
Me: "Professor [redacted]."
Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."
Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."
Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."
Me: "Carry on."
Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"
Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"
Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"
Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"
Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "
Me: "I WILL NOT GO!!! THERE ARE ANCIENT THINGS IN THOSE DAMNED HILLS THAT WHISPER IN THE DARKNESS!!!"
Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"
Me: "THE ANGLES!!! MY GOD, MAN!!! THE ANGLES WILL DRIVE YOU MAD!!!"
Telemarketer: "..."
Me: "IS THIS CALL RECORDED?!"
Telemarketer: "...uh..."
Me: "YOU MUST DESTROY THE RECORDING!!! DESTROY IT BEFORE THE OLD ONES FIND YOU A THREAT TO THEIR SECRET EXISTANCE!!!"
*David, terminate the call.*
Telemarketer: "What?"
Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"
*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."
Me: "SILENCE, FOUL AGENT OF R'LYEH!!!"
*TERMINATE THE CALL, DAVID.*
*click
